We're through, Red!

I'm sitting on my couch and it's exactly 11.59a.m., and I'm eating a bag of green m&m's.

Last night I got home from the city around 10p.m., and I was completely wrecked. I fell asleep in the elevator against the wall, and by the time I managed to make it to my front door, struggling with all my bags and keys, I didn't have the strength to turn the key in the lock. Luckily, the two new Norwegian girls came out to help me, and found it hilarious that I was so tired I couldn't even say my own name.

I was lying on my couch, half asleep, thinking idly about all the things I was supposed to do that night (and believe me, there's a lot), and trying to ignore the fact that my phone was beeping incessantly with people wanting me to come out and live it up with them.

Living it up is awesome in theory, but when my legs won't let me stand up, living it up is best done on the couch.

Anyway, being the warm and charitable person that I am, (siiiif) I said that they could come over if they were so inclined. I said it in such a way that invited them, but kind of encouraged them to decline. You know the way, someone's probably done it to you. A courtesy invite, but it's not a genuine invite.

I'm pretty good at them.

Anyway, obviously not getting my point, a boy, let's call him Oscar, ( I kind of wish his name was Oscar, that's so much cooler than his actual name), accepts my fake invite and informs me that he's on his way.

At this point I was pretty well dead, and forcing myself to stay awake for the sake of Oscar, which was actually causing me pain. I don't think I've been in pain from staying awake in forever. I get continuous messages from him on his progress, and I find myself drifting off to sleep every so often but somehow keeping myself from falling to a really heavy sleep. I send him a polite message saying that if he doesn't get here soon, I'm going to go to bed.
About half a minute later I send him another message saying that I'm going to bed.

He replies, "That's alright. I actually haven't even left my house yet."

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY.

I kept myself awake for a good hour and a half for this wanktard, (he's actually quite lovely but I'm super pissed at him now), actually suffering because I needed to sleep so bad, and he's taking his sweeeeeeeeet time and leading me to believe that he's just seconds away from my door.

I'm not even giving you fake invites anymore, 'Oscar'. We're throoooooooough!

Anyway, I crawled off the couch into my bed, and drifted off to sleep, and not even half an hour later, I heard the sound of my front door opening slowly and someone coming in. Now my apartment building is pretty tight on security, so I knew it had to be someone who lived in the building. I knew it wasn't my sister, because she tends to clutter through the door and trip over things and mumble to herself. Like a little tangle-haired ninja, I slid out of bed and picked up the first weapon like thing I could find- and a weapon it was. I could cause some mad damage with a Louisville Slugger, fo shiz. I crept out of my room, and saw The Lurker lurking in my kitchen.

Knowing that a sneak attack was the only way I'd get the upper hand, I did a penguin slide over the kitchen bench, misjudging my speed, shooting onto the floor and to the feet of The Lurker.

While I lay on the floor, clutching my slugger, staring up in horror expecting to see the snaggle toothed, murderous face of The Lurker, I realised that it was in fact my next door neighbour Kris, raiding the refrigerator. He was white as a ghost because apparently my ninja attack was pretty fricken' stealth and he didn't even see me coming before I came hurtling over the kitchen bench with a baseball bat.

Over the next few hours of night, my phone proceeded to vibrate almost half hourly with messages from people, including but not limited to Oscar, whose reason for calling EIGHT TIMES I still haven't determined.

Perhaps he was part of the sneaky "Let's Kill Trish From Lack Of Sleep" club.

I think he was.